Undone

"'It is accomplished'; and bowing his head he gave up his spirit."
~John 19:30

"'Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.' With these words he breathed his last."
~Luke 23:46

And I am undone.

Fourth song of the servant of Yahweh
Isaiah 52:13-53:12
(emphasis added)

See, my servant will prosper,
he shall be lifted up, exalted, rise to great heights.
As the crowds were appalled on seeing him
--so disfigured did he look
that he seemed no longer human--
so will the crowds be astonished at him, and kings stand speechless before him; for they shall see something never told and witness something never heard before:

'Who could believe what we have heard,
and to whom has the power of Yahweh been revealed?'
Like a sapling he grew up in front of us,
like root in arid ground.
Without beauty, without majesty (we saw him),
no looks to attract our eyes;
a thing despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering,
a man to make people screen their faces;
he was despised and we took no account of him.

And yet ours were the sufferings he bore,
ours the sorrows he carried.
But we, we thought of him as someone punished,
struck by God, and brought low.
Yet he was pierced through for our thoughts,
crushed for our sins.
On him lies a punishment that brings us peace,
and through his wounds we are healed.

We had all gone astray like sheep,
each taking his own way,
And Yahweh burdened him
with the sins of all of us.
Harshly dealt with, he bore it humbly,
he never opened his mouth,
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter-house,
like a sheep that is dumb before its shearers
never opening its mouth.

By force and by law he was taken;
would anyone plead his cause?
Yes, he was torn away from the land of the living;
for our faults struck down in death.
They gave him a grave with the wicked,
a tomb with the rich,
though he had done no wrong
and there had been no perjury in his mouth.
Yahweh has been pleased to crush him with suffering.
If he offers his life in atonement,
he shall see his heirs, he shall have a long life
and through him what Yahweh wishes will be done.

His soul's anguish over
he shall see the light and be content.
By his sufferings shall my servant justify many,
taking their faults on himself.

Hence I will grant whole hordes for his tribute,
he shall divide the spoil with the mighty,
for surrendering himself to death
and letting himself be taken for a sinner,
while he was bearing the faults of many
and praying all the time for sinners.

"With so many witnesses in a great cloud on every side of us, we too, then, should throw of everything that hinders us, especially the sin that clings so easily, and keep running steadily in the race we have started.
Let us not lose sight of Jesus, who leads us in our faith and brings it to perfection; for the sake of the joy which was still in the future, he endured the cross, disregarding the shamefulness of it, and from now on has taken his place at the right of God's throne.
Think of the way he stood such opposition from sinners and then you will not give up for want of courage. In the fight against sin you have not yet had to keep fighting to the point of death."
~Hebrews 12:1-3

These are the kinds of things that crossed my mind last night after our Tenebrae service at church. I walked the prayer labyrinth they set up each year for Good Friday, and the words God began whispering to me during the Maundy Thursday service grew louder.

"I am here."

After feeling distant from the presence of God for quite some time, these words are still overwhelming. I continued to confess my sins and apologize for the ways in which I have fallen short of His glorious expectations for me, and I heard these words in the corridors of my heart.

"Your humanity is a gift I have given you. You've learned to embrace it, and I am proud of you. Now, come back to me."

Taking those first steps back toward the cross (placed at the center of the labyrinth) were momentarily terrifying. I told God that I could not come back the same person I once was, and that's when I realized he does not expect me or want me to do so.

As I wove through the labyrinth, following the same path countless others had taken before me, I noted how most of the time, I was farther from the cross than I was near it. This is so true of life. One of my prayers for my life has been that I keep God as a sailor keeps the stars. A sailor may not follow the exact path prescribed from the outset of the voyage, but as long as he keeps the stars, he still reaches his destination.
Until the fairly recent past, I was terrified of straying from the prescribed path; so afraid that I was too scared to even move. I stayed safe where I was, and lived in fear of moving. I no longer keep to that fear; I have and will continue to go out to deep waters (Luke 5:1-11), knowing that God is guiding me and carrying me all the way.

No matter how my path weaves through life, drawing near and far from the cross in proximity, the cross is always there, at the center, and in sight; just like the Love it represents and the Love poured out on the cross.

The knots and the mess I have made of myself and my life are undone.

Branches
Saturday afternoon, November 5th

And so it has come to an end, my life at Branches.

Cluttered West Alabama Living Room
Saturday afternoon

And so it has come to an end, my life as I know it.

I am going to start a new phase of existence, my first beginning as an adventuress!
How completely all one's ideas can change in a few days! This day three weeks ago Mrs. Carruthers was alive. This day two weeks ago I found myself no longer a prospective heiress, and only three days ago I was contemplating calmly the possibility of marrying Mr. Carruthers; and now, for heaven, I would not marry anyone! And so, for fresh woods and pastures new! Oh, I want to see the world, and lots of different human beings; I want to know what it is makes the clock go round--that great big lock of life. I want to dance and to sing and to laugh and to live--and--and--yes, perhaps some day to kiss someone I love!