;and, oh, I am going to see life! and it is absurd to be sad!

Night

I do think men are the most horrid creatures—you can’t believe what they say or rely upon them for five minutes! Mrs. Carruthers was right;
she said, “Evangeline, remember, it is quite difficult enough to trust one’s
self without trusting a man.”

Mmhmm.

Such an afternoon I have had! That annoying feeling of waiting for something all the time and nothing happening. For Mr. Carruthers did not turn up, after all. How I wish I had not dressed and expected him! He is probably saying to himself he is well out of the business, now I have gone. I don't suppose he meant a word of his protestations to me. Well, he need not worry. I had not intention of jumping down his throat; only, I would have been glad to see him, because he is human, and not like anyone here.
Of course Lord Robert will be the same, and I shall probably never see either of them again.

Evangeline kind of hits the nail on the head. "How I wish I had not dressed and expected him."

Yes, I'm still railing on about stupid old flame.

I believe I have the perfect words to tell him off for good. Now, I just have to be brave enough to dial his number, wait for him to ignore my call, and leave the voicemail.

But something holds me back-- Would this really be me being brave?

Would it even make a difference? If I knew that getting the words out there, even if he never heard them, would make me feel something resembling relief, I would do it, no problem. But there is this fear of mine of feeling foolish after-the-fact.

Would it sever all ties for good?

Do I want that?

I ask too many questions.

I need Jesus.

I feel now I shall never marry, for years. Of course one can’t be an old maid, but for a long time I mean to see life first.