12 hours knocked out of my sleep debt...

"I never realize how much I like being home unless I've been somewhere really different for a while."

Juno certainly had it right.

2 more shows (and strike...).
7 days till the day camp musical.
Interview at Barnes & Noble Monday at 12:30 (fingers crossed!).

I should be figuring out what I'm going to do with my life for the next week or two. I should be showering and getting dressed and going to get my end-of-the-show thank you gifts.

Instead, I'm sitting on our ridiculously comfy couch, currently watching Because I Said So.

"Let me preface this ad by saying if you
are a nut job, pervert or fruitcake, move on...
Nudists, mama's boys, the
sexually confused need not apply...
Anarchists, xenophobes, philistines,
masochists, sexists, bigots not welcome..."

I know it's $5 a word.

So let's just take it from
page two. "Chronically itchy..."

"I'm looking for someone with a
steady job who knows the value of work.
That does not exclude the independently wealthy. "

Gabriel Macht as "Johnny," please report to Kate.

Lauren Graham as "Maggie" reminds me of my friend Lindsey, who I miss to no end.

And I feel a twinge of jealousy as I realize that Mandy Moore was my age when she made this film.

I'm in a wedding in two weeks, and am supposed to be looking at dresses with another soon-to-be-bride within the week.

I still live at home, I've not been as many places as I'd like, I've done far less than I'd hoped, and I haven't had a relationship last longer than 9 months.

And people wonder why I feel old and behind.

"I said bye-bye babay
Doo ronde ronde pa pa
Doo ronde ronde..."

*Thunder rumbles in the distance*

How appropriate...

"There's...a bobby pin... in my bra..."

I love doing shows.

I fixed a friend's head piece tonight with clear duct tape. It lasted till she got back to the dressing room after curtain call (Victory is mine!).

My voice teacher and opera director came tonight, and I had lotsa energy tonight and felt good vocally about the show, so that was also a "win" kind of situation.

And did I mention the remainder of the run is sold out?

'Cause it is.

O_O


I made my for-the-masses gift of multicolored Jelly Belly treat bags with Lauren today. I kidnapped her (further) after VBS and we went to Target to acquire said goodies. Thank goodness she has a Droid, otherwise I would have missed some colors.
Red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and cream and crimson and silver and rose and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and blue.
I know there's no way for me to prove it, but I honestly just typed all of those from memory (BIG deal, 'cause I don't sing that song in the show. lol!). I guess one way to prove it would be to prove me wrong in my recitation via typing.
Go 'head, somebody.
DO it.

Did you know that ochre is a little darker than a mid-shade yellow?

I didn't either.

Whatever did we do before smart phones?

15 flavors and approximately $50 worth of Jelly Bellies later, Lauren accompanied me to day camp where we assembled our cutesy little snacks before rehearsal for the musical.
(Next week is gonna be looooooooong.)

While we were at Target, we saw two of my favorite people. One was another "show friend" from when we did The Sound of Music last summer. She was our Sister Sophia, and she was there with her two beautiful daughters. It was absolutely delightful to see her.
The other was one of Lauren's good friends and her mom, who teaches extended day at their former elementary school, where I used to also work. She's one of the coolest moms I've ever met.

Seeing all of these people I like really made my day. It's amazing what happens when you fill your life with people you enjoy. I'm pretty sure they're the reason I was so energized on stage. So much so that a bobby pin snuck it's way into my brassiere, and I didn't even notice till I was standing in my skivvies in the dressing room.

I think I had the MOST fun doing the show tonight. I know it doesn't matter how I feel--it's about how the audience feels-- but let's hope it only gets better from here. Ü

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

[Molly Page, I pay tribute to you.
You have my permission.
Any dream will do...]

Closing time
Open all the doors and let you out into the world
Closing time
Turn all of the lights on over every boy and every girl...

Right now it feels like there's not much of an end in sight. I know there is, but I am straining to see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. Once day camp is over, I think I'll be feeling more like I've been let out into the world (I certainly hope so). I'm ready to have a chance to really clear my mind, maybe even meditate in prayer over what God wants for me. It's a testament to what I've allowed my life to become, but having that much time to dedicate to myself is a luxury.

Closing time
You don't have to go home but you can't stay here

True dat.

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home

The real reason this song popped into my head is because the other day when I met with the youth band to discuss VBS, we were discussing songs to close the assembly sessions, and they began to rewrite the lyrics ("I know whose mom's gonna take me home..."). The fact that it kind of correlates with Molly's recent post title hit me after-the-fact.

This is so cheesy, but I really am having a galactic blast at VBS this week. lol I love the handful of people I know at my church, and I wish I had more time to spend with them, and to meet more people. Maybe the proposed changes to how we do things in the children's ministry will allow me to do that. Maybe not being in school will allow me to do that.
Somehow, I'm afraid not. Whenever I think things might lighten up for me, I seem to find a way to take on too much...again...
The fact that I've kidnapped my Lauren to volunteer with me is super fun, too.
We also have the most beautiful children at our church. Just sayin'.
I just adore my church family and would love to find ways to be more involved without killing myself.

Closing time
Time for you to go out to the places you will be from
Closing time
This room won't be open till your brothers or your sisters come
So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

[emphasis added] I feel more and more that way about Tuscaloosa EVERY day.

I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
I know who I want to take me home
Take me home

Large order of crack fries for dinner chased with a diet Mountain Dew ftw.

No Seattle trip (yet). It's definitely for the best.

Found my first varicose vein yesterday. It's on my right leg, close to the bend in my knee, and is approximately 3/4 cm in length.
My life is over.

P.S. Best fb chat salutation ever: "Well sleep like an angel, dream like Jake Whipple, and I'll see you tomorrow!" Thank you, Steven Yates. XD

http://nooma.com/

EXHAUSTION

I'm so friggin' (not EVEN the word I wanna use) tired of cleaning up dog/cat pee/poop.

I am sleep deprived and thus have very little patience.

Tomorrow does not bode well for those who have sucky attitudes.

Some children may lose heads.

Some over-sized children may eat some humble pie.

Or I'll just fester and rot, smile for the show, and then crash.

I had to get this out somehow, but I'm "home" alone, and I don't want it to be my fb status, 'cause, let's face it, that wouldn't make me any better than the other passive aggressive bad words who get on my nerves when I'm this overwhelmed.

5:00 comes too soon...

Home

This is the horse I rode on the carousel at Alabama Adventure with my cousins this past Saturday. It's a ginger. XD
I love carousels because they remind me of the one at the Van Andel Museum in Grand Rapids, and of the little Christmas carousel that sits on a table in my grandparents' bedroom.


I'm serving in administrative duty this morning while the rest of day camp goes to the movies.
Naturally, this is the perfect time to update.

Another summer day
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home...

Well, it's not exactly Paris and Rome. It's Day Camp, and The Mansion, and the Bean-Brown Theatre, and First United Methodist Church, but it's still not home.

I took a "sick day" Tuesday so that I could sleep in (slept till 8:19--it was beautiful) and get caught up. I learned a little over half of the motions for the VBS songs, but that's on the docket for Saturday, too. We'll see how rehearsal for THAT goes this afternoon...

I stayed home most of the day with the dogs I'm sitting, cleaning up approximately 10 puppy puddles, and went to the church for a rehearsal that didn't happen. I didn't mind. It gave me time to run home for a bit to visit my family and my housebroken babies. I miss them so much.

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

I had yesterday off as well. While day camp went to the Trussville Play Station and Tree Top Family Adventure, I went home that morning to sort through my grandmother's jewelry and clothes with my mom, my aunt, and her two daughters. I went into that with a bit of a heavy heart.

I'm terribly selfish when it comes to my childhood, and some of this stuff I wanted to cling to so tightly because I grew up with it. I was willing to relinquish to my mom and my aunt because they are the daughters and they grew up with it first, and some of what I remember from the house on 4760 Burton St. SE I didn't even see yesterday. But some of it I almost felt like I deserved because it had always been in our house, and I had routinely played with it, and I just wanted to keep it close to me. I know after some more time passes, I won't want that so much, but right now, the hurt of losing Mamaw is still too fresh, and I am grappling with my desire to hold on to what we have left. I say that, and I don't mean everything. I just wanted to keep everything to which I had attached sentimental value.

Looking back at yesterday, I think everything went to the right people, but I felt very much inwardly defensive as we divided up my grandmother's possessions.

I just had to keep reminding myself that I got the best of anything that belonged to my grandmother over any of the other grandchildren; I got 23 years of her life and mine. All of the beautiful dresses, dolls, jewels, or anything else, I'd gotten to share with Mamaw in our home, and for me to deny the rest of my family those little pieces of her would be wrong.

After taking care of the jewelry business, I had to go to the church for our VBS informational meeting, then came right back home to finish up the clothes.

My aunt and cousins have been going through all of this for the past week or two, so a lot of the leg work had already been done. All they needed was for me to stake any final claims, and then help bag up everything that was to be donated to the Hannah Home.

After managing the initial inkling of trepidation about sorting through Mamaw's jewelry, I felt better about going through her clothes. We found so much stuff (my grandmother loved her shoes and pastel tees and sweaters...) and it ended up being a pleasant way to spend the day, as strange as that is. I can't speak for my aunt and cousins, but I felt a sense of accomplishment at finishing this rather large task, and I'd been able to reminisce with my aunt throughout the process.

She can be a pill sometimes, but I always have and always will love my Aunt Lori with my whole heart.

I'll have to take pictures to share with you of some of the lovely things my grandmother left behind and I'm blessed enough to keep. They are a tiny reflection of the beautiful soul she is.

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
'Cause this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

It all made me feel sad to have to leave the house again. It made me homesick for my family, and it makes me homesick for Michigan. I've told my aunt I'll come visit as soon as I possibly can, and I mean it.

I wanna go home.

Thankfully, I have a second family (one of many...) in the people of Theatre Tuscaloosa. Doing what I love with them makes it all a little more bearable.

I still wanna go home.

Once again, I need a time turner

A view from my back yard. I absolutely love it when the clouds look like a painting. It's so surreal!

On my way into rehearsal one evening, I had to capture the silver lining.

The whole picture

My view from the Rec Center Outdoor Pool last Saturday

I simply have too much going on, which is typical for me, really, but it doesn't make me smart for keeping this type. Sometimes I'm really good at juggling everything ("stacking," as one of my employers calls it) and am able to see the forest for the trees, but then there are some times when I feel overwhelmed, bogged down, and don't think I'll ever get my way back out of this "pit of busyness."

Lately, my moments of escape have come from looking away from my small, cramped life and looking toward the vast expanse of the sky; it's my way of coping right now. When there is no room to breathe in my life on earth, I look to the sky. (We can all guess where this is going...) But it truly is the most astounding thing: when I look and appreciate how beautiful the sky is, I feel a physical lightening of this burden I've placed on myself, and I can literally breathe easier.

I know I feel the weight most acutely when my focus is on myself, and I do not look to see how God is carrying me all the while, and I am placing the weight squarely on my own shoulders.

This segues rather nicely into a completely related but slightly off-topic diatribe on my part, but I need to get to sleep and thus will save it for another day.

P.S. http://www.daniellesplace.com/html/bible_lessons.html (for me)

I feel so badly for my Bible study kids. They definitely got the short end of the stick this summer. The past week I haven't planned a fun thing for them to do. I appease them with Veggie Tales and AirHeads... I'm a terrible teacher this year.

I just don't have time to do it all!

"Look for love in unexpected places."

[My Dove Promises told me to do so.]



Like in your food.



See?



Of course, love and food really go hand-in-hand.



It was unexpected nonetheless.

Coming Home (Part II)

[Happy Fourth of July]

We cleaned up at the church and piled into several vehicles and headed to Logan's Roadhouse. A group of my friends had already left, and in the midst of all the hullabaloo, I hadn't even thought about calling to give a definite number for our group. I wouldn't have been much help, anyway. I didn't know who was going which direction (including myself, most of the time).

Well, after about five minutes of rather raucous singing on my part in the care with two of my besties, we got to the restaurant, and had to add about 10 to the number originally given to the hostess. One of my other best friends who'd led the first half of our party to the restaurant hadn't counted on all of my family coming, so she just gave it her best guess, but she seemed kinda indignant when we all arrived. That, in turn, irritated me. It's not that big a deal; you just walk over to the hostess and say, "I'm sorry, I underestimated and we have [insert larger number here] people. I'm sorry for the inconvenience and we'll be flexible with however you need to accommodate us."

Well, a few minutes later we get to our tables and get everyone situated so that it's not entirely socially awkward: one large table with my family, and then me with my friends at the "kids" table. To my left was one set of best friends, and to my right was another set. It didn't take too long for me to feel flustered and wish I was at rehearsal instead.

I won't go into graphic detail because, well, this is the internet after all, and it would be my misfortune that said friends would read this (unlikely at this point, but again, my luck stinks sometimes) and would make some already unstable relationships even more treacherous.

I will say that my experiences that night and thereafter have opened my eyes to certain things.

1) The friends I have who really and truly know how to listen to me are not active in my life at this juncture.
2) Some of my best friends serially treat me like crap, but most of the time I'm better able to let them do so and forget about it till the next time it happens.
3) I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do that now that I realize this mistreatment.

I let people walk all over me and take advantage of me and belittle me. I've know that for a while, but I don't think I ever really realized how the people who are, or who at one point in my life were, closest to me do, and I let them. I didn't realize this till I was walking/talking with one of my mentors a couple nights later.

I went home feeling awful and went to bed so that I could be ready to return to work the next day.

Tuesday was hard.

As I was walking out of the kitchen that morning, my Mom and my grandfather were standing around the island, and after we had our usual exchange (Papaw: "Have a good day." Me: "You, too. I love you." Papaw: "Love you, too."), I looked at my family and thought, "This is it. It's just the three of us now," and that thought made its way to my tear ducts and formed a lump in my throat for the rest of the day.

I'd been around family every moment since Mamaw died, and my return to work that morning felt like the first day of kindergarten all over again. I'd been strong and adult-like mainly for my Mom's benefit for the past five days, and I hadn't had time to grieve the way I needed to: as a child who's world view (of home, anyway) had drastically changed.

So I got to camp, and received hugs and paper cards and prayers from some of the most precious people I know, and was weepy all day long.

There'd been a fire at the building the day before, so I returned on a day that was confused and kind of stressful to begin with, but carrying the emotional burden I was, it made for a weary Kate by the end of the day. If I remember correctly, rehearsal that night wasn't as uplifting as it normally is, so I just went home and crashed, hoping it would be easier the next day.

I am happy to report that it was.

Coming Home (Part I)

We brought Brooklyn home the next day. He was a member of the family from the moment he got in the car. It's been one of the more grown-up things I've done since I graduated, adopting a dog. I am a firm believer in shelter puppies, and this is the only way I'll get dogs from here on out.

Finding him (and a host of subsequent events) was totally and completely a God thing.

Anything positive that's happened since Mamaw died has been utterly God's doing.

I've been ready to post about it all for a little over a week now, but I just haven't had much time (par for the course...).

The combination of not enough time and too many emotions have made me a bit of a sketch, but the people who really matter the most have understood.

It's just been so much reality-- much more than I have ever experienced in my life-- and honestly, unless I wanted to talk about it, I haven't really wanted to talk about it, ya know? It's been that way about everything. So I haven't been talking to too many people.

It's just that my grandmother is the first person extremely close to me to have passed away, and to have been there when she slowly slipped, holding her hand and holding Mom's (I'm tearing up as I type), and being brave beyond my own imagining, I have needed time to process that and to truly understand what happened, what is happening, and what will happen (which I have no idea, and I have to deal with that).

I got to the hospital as soon as I could, after being contacted at day camp. This is kind of ridiculous, but I remember thinking as I was walking out to the car "I'm not ready for this." After months of praying for God to ease her pain in one way or another, saying that whatever His will is for her, I'm okay with it, I guess I knew this was 'it' and I wasn't ready.
God found a way to ease me into it, though.

I needed to be there for my mom, and to be strong for her, so that she could be strong for her parents.

Thankfully, it's not like I was a lone pillar of strength-- the nurses in the ICU were phenomenal. The nurse manager in particular surpassed any expectations I could have had for hospital support at this time. Thank you, LORD, for providing that for us-- for my grandfather. The nurse manager and my mom's boss were in the chapel with my grandfather after we'd told him that she was past medical help and it was in God's hands-- that she was essentially gone, and it was just the medicine and the machines keeping her body "alive."

I thought I knew heartbreak...until I saw that man cry.
Any kind of heartbreak I'd experienced before paled in comparison to that.
I don't think I've ever seen my grandfather cry before, and he wept. My mom cradled him in her arms, and we all just cried.

I got there and hugged mom for a while, then got filled in on what happened and what the doctors were doing. Don't remember what happened next exactly, but as soon as we could, all three of us gathered in ICU room #2 as soon as she was stable.
Papaw couldn't stay in there very long, seeing the Love of his life hooked up to all those tubes and monitors and machines. I don't blame him one bit.
Mom and I sat in there, and after we'd called all of the immediate family, we said our good-byes.

All I could say to her was "I love you so much. Thanks for everything."

How do you thank somebody for a lifetime of love?
I mean, really, how?
The magnitude of everything she did for just me was huge, let alone the countless others who'd ever felt just a drop of her love.
I don't think I'll ever be able to leave that thought without a tear-stained cheek.

We sat in the room for a while, I guess. After Papaw left, his three girls held hands. I know my grandfather has more than three girls, but this family of four has been my nuclear family since the day I was born. I've never lived in another permanent residence without them. For 23 years, these people have been my concept of home, and now I had to let one go.

Mom and I prayed, and after a few minutes, she said, "I feel really peaceful, don't you?"
I said yes, and I suppose I meant it. I'd been watching Mamaw's blood pressure and heart rate gradually drop, and that's when I knew for certain she was leaving and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Mom and I talked about it, and decided we needed to take her off the respirator.
In the moment, it wasn't difficult at all because I knew it needed to be done.
It wasn't fair to keep her trapped in that body when it was clear that she'd already gone.

I got to the hospital a little after 11:00, and she was pronounced dead at 1:12 on Thursday, June 17, 2010.

After that, I was a little numb. One of my best friends in the world came to the hospital for support and to drive my grandfather home. He wasn't fit to drive, but he didn't need to stay at the hospital. I stayed there with mom to help take care of all the stuff you have to do when someone dies. Then, we drove home and the three of us just sat in our living room for about an hour in relative quiet.

Then my grandmother's oldest sister and her daughter who is like Mom's older sister arrived at our house, and their presence was a huge comfort to my mother. They bought us all pizza (the first of several pizza dinners in the weeks to follow) and were able to stay home with my grandfather when Mom and I went to pick up my aunt from the airport. The weekend was bearable thanks to the busyness and excellent company and a general pouring in of sympathy in the form of food, understanding, and prayers.

We're still eating on the food, by the way. And thriving on the prayers we're still receiving.

Then the following Monday, we had a visitation-type gathering at my church, hosted by my wonderful church choir family.

All day was rather stressful-- taking care of everything that had to be done for that evening, and the gathering was small, but enjoyable, and it served its purpose. I missed rehearsal for the show I'm currently in, even though I'd wanted to try to show up late so as not to get behind.

Initially, once we'd cleaned up at church, I really wanted to skip rehearsal and go to eat at Logan's with everybody else, but once I got there, I'd changed my mind.