Up in the air

Today I had the opportunity to sing with some pretty talented people under the direction of a giant-- literally and figuratively-- in the choral world (he was much taller than I had imagined).

The rehearsal was delightful.

The performance?  Probably not as much, but all in all it was still a memorable and enjoyable experience.

One of the pieces we sang is set to one of my favorite texts: "Sure On This Shining Night" by James Agee.  I've posted about it before, but I learned something about it tonight that helped to unlock a hidden room in my heart/mind.

Famous Choral Giant informed us that Agee, who was a pilot in addition to a writer extraordinaire, wrote it after finishing a flight mission on a moonless night.
I've done some Googling and haven't found anything to verify that, but whether it's true or not is not really the point.

Here's the text in its entirety before I tell you the point.

"Sure on this shining night
Of starmade shadows round,
Kindness must watch for me
This side the ground.
The late year lies down the north.
All is healed, all is health.
High summer holds the earth.
Hearts all whole.
Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand'ring far

alone
Of shadows on the stars."

"Kindness much watch for me This side the ground..."
The idea of him thinking of this while being up in the air gives this line so much more meaning.

What gives it so much more meaning for me is the fact that my life is currently up in the air, too.

I saw former colleagues of mine for the first time since... graduation, at least.  They've all gone on to get big kid jobs.  When I hear their stories and then tell mine, I can't help but feel... well, inadequate.

Because I haven't lived up to the generally socially acceptable expectations.

(Silly, right?  Unlike me, right?)

And then when I tell my former advisor (who is like the Choral Music Ed Dept Dad at the UA) what my plans are, I feel about an inch tall.
It's what I'd imagine a career-related discussion with a father is like.

The diminution is not intentional or malicious in nature; it comes from a place of care and concern.

Doesn't change the fact that it makes me feel small and keenly aware of how afraid I feel.

Not just about grad school and the future, but in general.




Most of the time I feel so sure about the things and the people around me, I don't think to wonder if they feel the same way about me.  It's like I'm sure enough for all of us.

But sometimes I do wonder:  I am SO sure about you, but... are you sure you're sure about me?


So on the way home tonight, I popped in MY version of "Sure On This Shining Night."  It's by a different composer than Famous Choral Giant.  FCG's is beautiful to be sure, but it's not the one that has claimed my heart. 

And I listened to it over and over and over and over.

I listened to it until I finally was able to let one tear fall.

That's a big thing for me-- allowing myself to cry when I really need to do so.  And my "green light" for when I can move past track four on a certain CD is when I get that one tear to fall and let it trickle down my cheek.

I don't wipe it away.  I let it make it's journey.
And as I do that, it creates a path for other tears to follow.

It's stupid, really.  But it helps me to remember that what I'm feeling is real.   I almost feel like an even bigger failure if I find myself unable to free that first tear.  Like the emotion wasn't strong and true enough to bother feeling in the first place.


As I thought about all of this on the drive home, I had to remind myself that just because I haven't achieved self-actualization doesn't mean that I'm behind in life or anything.  It just means I'm not ready for it yet, and that's okay.  If I try to skip any of my development it'll be like one step forward and two steps back.

"Begin your journey.  Do not skip ahead."

So skipping ahead before you've even begun your journey is reeeeally putting the horse before the cart.

(Had enough of the clichés yet?)

"Kindness must watch for me This side the ground..."


I don't know...

Perhaps I've watched Tangled one too many times this week.


"Sure on this shining night I weep for wonder wand'ring far alone Of shadows on the stars..."